Expenses Expand to Fill the Income Allotted

Her relatives are cheetahs.  Never forget that.

While feeding Minerva (our cat) the other day, I had one of those brain-lapse moments and opened the freezer instead of the cupboard.  As luck would have it, Elias noticed and started laughing at me.  Then he started asking why anyone would keep cat food in the freezer.  I recalled seeing a type of specialty raw cat food that you do, in fact, keep in the freezer.  I told this to Elias, mostly to demonstrate that looking in the freezer for cat food really isn’t as nuts as it might have looked initially. 

“How come we don’t buy Minerva that kind of food?”  Elias asked. 

“Because it’s really expensive and it’s not exactly within our budget,” I answered. 

“If we had a lot of money, we could buy Minerva that kind of food,”  Elias said.

Well, yes, I suppose we could.  At that point the little wheels in my head started turning.  What other little “improvements” would we make if we could improve them?  Although our income was essentially double at this time last year, we really weren’t any better off then.  With the cut in income, we cut down and cut back on every little item that wasn’t essential.  When we had more money coming in, we simply frittered away the extras on those things that were “upgrades” from the bare minimum. 

I think these sort of little expenses are part of the reason that so many people feel like they are constantly broke and can’t figure out why.  People don’t think about these kinds of expenditures.  After all, when we purchase the “upgrade,” it’s usually only a little bit more expensive.   We deserve these little luxuries, we tell ourselves.  Even when it’s just the more expensive cat food. 

I’m not saying deprive yourself of every little luxury in your life.  But the next time you start thinking of making an upgrade to something, ask yourself if a) you can really afford it, and b) you really need it.  After all, if your cat is like mine and spends most of her time laying around purring, I don’t think she really needs an evolutionary raw-food based diet.  She’s doing just great on the Whiskas.  

Do You Believe in Magic?

I do.

Look around you.  The stories are everywhere.  People doing wonderful things for strangers, spreading kindness, love and joy all around.  The stories about people paying off other people’s layaways at Kmart are particularly striking.  Can you imagine being one of those people who received such a generous gift from someone you didn’t even know?  The idea brings tears to my eyes.  I would love to be on the other end as well, knowing that I’m making someone so happy and making a Christmas happen that might not otherwise.

Just this past month, our family has been on the receiving end of several gifts and kindnesses from loved ones.  Friends and family have reached out in ways I never would have imagined.  You’ve heard about the Shop with a Cop program the kids got to participate in.  Just two days ago, two of my friends turned up on my doorstep with about two weeks’ worth of groceries, gifts for the kids, and much more.  Gavin’s mom received a special bonus at her work and decided to share her good fortune with her kids.  All of these things couldn’t have happened at a better time. 

While grocery shopping the other night, we made our own effort to pay it forward.  We purchased a gift for the toy drive at Fred Meyer.  I hope our small gift will make a child happy.  It's not a lot, but it's something.

On a forum I belong to, a discussion has been ensuing about whether or not to tell a 10-year-old “the truth” about Santa.  Here was my response:

Santa is analogous with magic. If he (Elias) believes in Santa, he believes in magic. I love that. I think we SHOULD believe in magic. I believe that magic happens. How many times have I been saved from the brink of disaster? Magic happens. It doesn't always happen, and it doesn't happen in the manner you might expect, but it does happen. And it doesn't matter what name you choose to call it: magic, karma, answered prayers... whatever. It HAPPENS. I want him to believe that good things happen when you least expect them. And that includes Santa. Take away that belief and all you have left is sad cynicism, which is no way to live.

It's been a rough year. But somehow, Christmas has managed to come together. We have some gifts for the kids, the family really came through, and the kids even got to participate in a special event "Shop with a Cop." It came together like magic. 

I don't know whether he believes in a literal man who is going to climb down the chimney on Christmas Eve (we are 2nd floor in an apt building, I can't imagine the logistics on that one), but he is more than happy to play along with it and he encourages his 3-year-old sister, and that makes me happy. 

I see no reason to tell him otherwise. Because I believe in Santa too.

Do you believe?
Image courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net

The Problem of Tipping at Christmas

Are you really obligated to gift everyone who has provided
you with a service this year?
image by digitalart

There’s a certain expectation around Christmas-time that pretty much every single person you had contact with throughout the year needs some sort of tip or acknowledgement.  As lovely as that sounds, for those of us who can barely afford to get gifts for our own families, it can put us in a real bind.

Blog posts and tipping guides abound this time of year, with advice on how to tip everyone from teachers to the person who delivers your mail (who I don’t think I’ve ever met, by the way).  One site that claims to be about frugal living offered tipping advice for nannies, personal trainers and house cleaners.  Clearly their idea of “frugality” is a tad bit different than mine. 

So what am I supposed to do?  When the latest tipping advice suggests $15 to $20 gift cards for teachers, child care workers, and so many others, where does that leave me?  My son is in middle school – he has six teachers every day, and that doesn’t even include the therapists and other professionals who I think deserve tips more than the teachers.  At 20 bucks a pop, that’s $120 right there, over half of this year’s Christmas budget.  I can’t afford to get gifts for my friends this year – it seems unfair to be obligated to gift these other people.

What are the consequences if I don’t tip?  Is each teacher keeping a list and checking it twice, marking off the kids who brought in a gift card and pledging as a New Year’s Resolution to be much kinder to those kids for the second half of the school year?  Will my mail carrier start spitting on my mail if I don’t leave a Starbucks gift card for him in my mailbox next week? 

If you have the means to tip and you really feel like saying “Thank you” to someone who has done an exceptional service for you this year, by all means, knock yourself out.  But if your budget is already strained to the limit and you are only tipping because of a feeling of societal pressure, maybe you should rethink the reasons behind your tipping. 

There’s plenty of ways  to say thank you and acknowledge gratitude without buying gift cards or giving cash.  A nice homemade treat, especially one that your child helped make, is a great way to say thank you.  Better yet – call up the person on the phone and say the words “thank you.”  I bet they’ll actually appreciate that even more than the gift card.  

Shop with a Cop

Officer Todd and the kids.

Thanks to the kindness of friends, the kids got a really special treat yesterday.  Shop with a Cop is a nationwide program to help lower income families get through the holidays.  The kids get to take a trip through a local Walmart with a local police officer and choose toys for themselves, up to $50. 

I had never heard of this program, then I received word from a friend that they had nominated me and my family had been chosen to participate. Since one of my friends is married to a cop who was participating in the event, we thought it would be pretty neat if the kids got to shop with him.  It didn’t work out that way, but it was still a special experience for everyone. 

We arrived at 8:45 a.m., per my friend’s suggestion.  My sister came with us (and all the photos are courtesy of her) and when we pulled in to the parking lot, we started laughing.  “Can you imagine being a shoplifter?” my sister asked.  The parking lot was wall-to-wall cop cars.  It was pretty impressive.  Cops from every nearby city and district were represented.  We saw Burien cops, Seatac cops, King County Sheriffs… 

When we approached the door, we were guided to the line.  Which wrapped along one side and the back of the store.  While the line was somewhat intimidating, I couldn’t help but think how many donations and how much kindness of others this represented.  What a wonderful thing, that so many families would be helped! 

The line moved quickly, and soon we were matched up with our cop, Officer Todd.  In the line, I had decided that Elias could ask for a video game, since that’s what he really wanted, but I told him that if they asked, mention that it had been a gift from his aunt.  As soon as we met Officer Todd, Elias walked right up to him and said “My mom said I could get a video game, but to let you know my aunt gave me my DS.”  If there’d been a hole in the floor, I would have gladly jumped right in.  Officer Todd grinned.  “He speaks his mind, doesn’t he?” he said.

Elias gets the game he's been dying for.

 Elias promptly picked out DragonQuest Monsters, a game for his DS that he has been begging for since August.  Maddie was a little more challenging.  She eventually found a little rabbit that comes with a dressing trailer (huh?), a pony that came in a purse, and a Magnadoodle.  The pony in the purse was the clear winner, and she pretty much refused to let go of it for the rest of the day (and she slept with it last night). 

Maddie shows off her pony in a purse.

 Officer Todd was friendly and patient with the kids, even when Elias tried to go into one-up mode, and the kids had a wonderful time.  I do hope they understand that this trip is going to help make up for the rather meager amount of presents that will be under the tree this year.    I’m deeply grateful to my friends for making this happen. 

Our Priorities

Spending money should reflect our priorities.  But first we need to know what those are.
Image by Naypong

So, moving along in the Planner.

After we dreamt about having a million dollars, our next job was to think about our top five priorities.  Gavin, Elias and I all worked on this, with fairly different results. 

I think Elias was probably the most honest in his priorities.  I know what my priorities should be, but sometimes I forget, especially when something tantalizing is in sight.  Gavin didn’t even list “fun” as one of his priorities, but I know that isn’t true.  I also noticed that each of us interpreted the question slightly differently.

Without further ado, here are our lists:

Amee

1. Family
2. Friends
3. Having Fun
4. Responsibility
5. Health

Gavin

1. Being a good husband/father
2. Being a good friend
3. My job
4. Money
5. Myself

Elias

1. Having fun
2. Reading
3. Learning science
4. Colors (his fish)
5. Maddie

I should probably be worried that he considers Colors to be higher priority than his sister, but he is, after all, only 11.  I also don’t think it’s necessarily true.  This morning, he made breakfast for Maddie, but I had to remind him to feed the fish.

So, on to the next question.  How did spending our million reflect our priorities?  Elias’s spending decisions clearly reflect his desire to have fun above everything else.  Because he has Asperger’s, he is also limited in his ability to look past himself and his own desires. 

Gavin felt that using the million to take care of the bills and other responsibilities freed him from stress, which would in turn allow him to be a better father.

I felt like my desire to have a house represents my need to put my family first. 

Our assignment for the next week is to track our money that we spend.  This is where things always tend to fall apart, but we’ve done alright for the first couple of days.  I don’t think it will be a fair representation of our spending habits, though, since Gavin is in between paychecks and we’re trying to cope with Christmas being right around the corner.  We’ll report the results when they are in, though.  The goal is to see if our spending habits reflect our priorities. 

What are your top priorities?  Do your spending habits reflect them?

My Favorite Charities

No matter where we stand, we should continue to help others.
Image by David Castillo Dominici

I’ve read my share of “manage your money” books.  And one of the major tenants of any program involves giving to those in need.  I believe in this completely.  Even when I am not in a position to donate money, I still make the effort to donate time. 

For example, I am currently donating my time and editing talent to DailySource.org.  This nonprofit provides an unbiased collection of news from different sources, providing a brief summary and a link to the source.  The site strives to stay free of left/right politics, and I respect that.  Additionally, it has been a fantastic place to hone my skills, and I have learned a lot about website editing and AP style. 

With the holiday season here, many people are in a very giving mood.  Before spending money on more stuff that you don’t need, consider making a donation to a charity that is actively working to make lives better.

Gavin and I support several charities.  Some of our favorites include:

• American Cancer Society – Not just about finding a cure, ACS works to help patients affected by cancer and their families.
•  Autism Speaks – I have participated in the walking event, raising money for this organization.  Autism has deeply touched our family, and this charity is working to find solutions.
• Boy Scouts of America – Elias is a Scout and it has done wonders for him. 
• Child’s Play – This charity was founded by gamers.  The goal is to make gaming systems available to kids I hospitals so they have something fun to do to take their minds off treatment.
• Humane Society – We got our Minerva from the Humane Society.  Before buying a pet from a pet store, check here to see if you can give one of these wonderful animals a home.
• Make-A-Wish – I think everyone knows this charity and its goal.  Make-A-Wish does phenomenal work.
• Northwest Harvest – A local charity that helps put food on the tables of people who need some extra help.  We have been fortunate enough to not have to use this service ourselves, so we will continue to donate food to this program.
• Northwest Hope and Healing – I did a 5K for this charity.  They work to provide help to women undergoing treatment for breast cancer, from providing financial support during the times they can’t work and even helping with child care during chemotherapy.
• World Vision – I am hoping to participate in child sponsorship one day, although I have supported this program financially.  I know people who have sponsored through this charity and they were very happy with it. I think this would be good for teaching Elias more about the world, as well.

Catching up on the Financial Peace Planner: Stuffitis

The problem with wanting the best
Image by Danilo Rizzuti

Have I been procrastinating on keeping up with the Planner program?  You bet I have.  One of the goals of this blog is to make myself accountable and practice building good habits.  But it’s so darn easy to fall back into the old habits.  Procrastinating, pretending my bills don’t exist, putting off the hard work.  It’s a lot easier to write fun blog posts about chicken recipes and try out new and cheaper ways of doing things than it is to face up to the major problems. 

Major Problem Number One:  According to the Planner, I have “stuffitis.”  I try not to.  But I do.  Apparently if you check more than one statement in the little quiz, you have it.  I checked two, so it’s only a slight case and, most likely, curable.  Gavin has this condition far worse than I do.  That’s not me placing blame; he’s totally upfront about it. 

Here’s the statements I checked:

1.  “It’s not unusual for me to say ‘It’s only a few dollars extra’ when I’m shopping for something I want.”
2.  “So I spent $100 on a pair of running shoes.  The top of the line lasts longer.”

I can sit here and try to justify those responses (and believe me, I can justify damn near anything), but I’m not going to.  I’m going to accept that this is a problem.  It does no good to catch a great deal on chicken if I go out and blow $40 on a dinner out because I didn’t feel like cooking.  I have several bills piled up on my desk that I could be putting that $40 towards, and there’s really no excuse. 

I do like to have nice things.  When I can get nice things at a lower price, it can sometimes be seen as a justification to purchase something I don’t really need.  This time of year is especially difficult.  I don’t just like to have nice things, I like to give nice things.  It’s fun to have someone unwrap something you got them and see a big smile on their face because it’s just what they wanted. 

If you look around our place, you might say “How can these people be in financial trouble?”  We have two desktop PCs, our son has a laptop, we have a flat-screen TV, an Xbox, a Wii… and that’s just the living room.  Well, the PCs have been mostly cobbled together (it’s nice to have a hubby who knows his way around a computer), the laptop was purchased several years ago and is no longer of much use other than as a word processor, the Wii was purchased as a family Christmas gift quite some time ago, and the Xbox and the flat-screen were both donations from people who had more than one. 

So why don’t we just sell these items and pay off the darn bills?  Well, I work online, and Gavin sometimes has to communicate online with his job, and we both really like our games.  So, come to think of it, I actually meet one more of the criteria for “stuffitis”:  “I can’t get rid of my boat/truck/Andy Warhol print.  That would leave a huge hole in my life.”  Just substitute TV/computer/Xbox for the other items.

I’ll keep working through Chapter 2.  This is usually the point where most debt plans make you actually pull out all your bills and figure out your debt.  I have to confess:  I’m pretty scared of that part.

Saving Money on Holiday Shopping, or Is It Really That Time of Year Again???

Making my list and checking it twice.
Image by Sicha Pongjivanich

Holiday shopping.  I don’t know about you, but those words strike fear into my heart.  We can barely make the bills as it is, and now we have to fit even more into our overstretched budget?  While I would love to say “The heck with it!  Everyone is just getting homemade gifts this year!”  the reality is that that option would never fly.

I have an 11-year-old boy and a 3-year-old girl.  They aren’t going to be happy with handmade doodads or coupons for hugs.  The older one has already amassed his list for the year and, as usual, it’s pretty heavy on the electronics.  The younger one isn’t quite as picky, but she still knows her mind and knows what she likes.

Here’s the good news though.  There’s still ways to keep from taking such a heavy hit.  Here’s some of the strategies we’re going to be using this year to keep from getting evicted the day after Christmas:

1. Starting early.  Since summer we’ve had our eyes open for gifts for the kids.  We started talking about it with the family a while ago too, so they know what to look for.  I’ve already picked up a game for the oldest that was part of a buy two get one free deal, and I have a Hello Kitty playset stashed in the closet for my daughter.
2. Buy used.  The kids couldn’t care less.  Fortunately, most of my family who I am buying for doesn’t either (or if they do, they don’t say anything because they know we have a limited budget).  Places like Gamestop and Half-Price Books are great if video games and books are on your list.  Used clothing from a quality consignment shop can go a long way (my daughter will be getting clothes from here). 
3. Shop online.  While this might initially seem more expensive since you have to pay shipping, it actually saves us quite a bit.  We can comparison shop and get good deals, and Amazon usually suggests used options for cheaper that can still be purchased through their site.  Plus, if you are doing most of your shopping at once, shipping is likely to be waived.  For me, the best part of shopping online is that I know exactly what I want to buy and I’m not swayed to buy more when I see the stuff on the shelves.
4.  Pick little items up here and there.  For the next few shopping trips between now and Christmas, we’ll be picking up small items and stocking stuffers on our regular grocery runs.  Some great inexpensive stocking stuffers that kids love include coloring books, crayons, and candies.  My daughter loves to have her nails painted so I’m going to stick a couple of inexpensive nail polishes in her stocking.
5. Know when to say when.  It’s easy to get caught up in the spirit of the season.  Everyone has all sorts of neat knick-knacks out and goofy little doodads, and I already catch myself seeing random items and saying “Oh, that would be perfect for so-and-so!”  But once the shopping is done, it’s DONE.  Don’t let yourself get caught up in the whole “Just one more” game.  Retailers are counting on this and you will quickly blow your budget.

Make a plan, make a budget, and stick to it.  We’ll get through this, I swear!

This Father's Path...a Work In Progress

Photo courtesy of Healingdream

I was brought up with the age-old mentality that the husband/father should provide for his family.  Not that the woman should stay at home, but that the husband’s job should be able to handle the load as life sent challenges at you.  My grandfather owned a dealership and always worked very hard, and he also taught me the importance of the integrity of your work, while at the same time making sure family came first.  My father also worked very hard and also instilled that work ethic in me, but the down side is that he was always gone.  I know he worked hard, but I also know his addictions took over.  More on that later… 

All of these challenges we have been facing place a lot of pressure on me, even though I may not be as vocal about it.  Some of it is the feeling that I should be able to make enough to provide for my family but, frankly, I don’t.   

When Amee had to leave her full-time position, I was incredibly stressed out.  Yes, she was going to be writing while she was at home, but I was worried about her stress level, and I felt horrible that being home with the kids full-time and being expected to work on her writing at the same time would completely overload her.  Once again, I felt like I was failing as a husband/father/provider because I couldn’t make enough in the current economy to provide for my family.  I am working on those feelings pretty much on a daily basis.    I am working as much as I can and helping as much as I can at home when I am not at work trying to take some of the load off of Amee. 

Part of the issue I have is that I am terrified I will end up making some of the mistakes my father made.  I am, after all, My Father’s Son.  I know the logic about being the man you want to be and such, but the worry is still there.  My father let his addiction with alcohol take over, and while he was recovering, he somehow thought the best solution to his problems was to bail.  He literally left one day while my mother and I were at work.  He hadn’t told us that at the time he had left, the house was three days from foreclosure, my mother’s retirement was gone, and the bills were incredibly overdue.  

Many years later, I thought maybe things were turning around with him as we tried to rebuild that relationship, but there was a selfishness still there that manifests even to this day in the fact that he doesn’t even call his grandkids on their birthdays anymore.  I am not sure if this is apathy or what but it really doesn’t matter.   How does this relate to me?  Well, I have noticed some shit I do is kind of similar, and that worries me. 

I get very “fixated” on stuff.  Be it a video game, a topic, or whatever.  It is almost obsessive.  For instance, I think about something like our TV failing and I will start researching TVs.  Now most people will do this and call it good, but I will always be looking at which ones are best, cheapest, or whatever.  The real issue with this is that I sometimes put off paying what I need to pay to fill the want.  Not that I am going to buy a new TV when rent is due, but I might see a DVD or whatever and tell myself, “Well, it is only 20 bucks.  We can swing that…”  That is where my issue is.  I struggle with it almost daily.  As a joke, a friend of mine would list this problem in terms of his music equipment…”G.A.S.”  or Gear Acquisition Syndrome.   

Looking at my history, I was always very giving to almost a fault.  Each relationship I was in, I would be left in deeper debt when it ended.  Now, as a father, I want to provide the best stuff for my kids and I loved the look on Amee’s face when I could give her something sparkly.  I obviously am not in the position to do that anymore, but I focus on trying to make sure we have the essentials and that the kids have good holidays. 

That is why I am taking a page from my grandfather’s book.  I am trying to not worry so much about the money one way or another and I am trying to be a better father.  I want to show my family just how much I care.  Be it playing Halo with Elias and getting fragged over and over, or snuggling with Maddie and watching a movie, I want to give the kids memories.  Yeah, stuff is cool and I DO love technology, but I am trying to stay focused on my family and providing the best I can.  

Dressing on a Budget, Part One: Kids

Your kids can still look nice, even when you're shopping on a budget.

Photo by Stuart Miles

One of the biggest challenges for our family is keeping everyone dressed relatively well, without breaking the bank.  Fortunately, none of us are slaves to trends and we prefer clothing that looks decent without being super fancy.  At the same time, I don’t think any of us are going to be wearing handmade dresses and pants made from homespun wool. 

Elias has enough challenges that dressing “poor” would only be more fuel on the fire.  Maddie is a three-year-old girl with a quickly developing fashion sense.  While Gav and I are not exactly fashionistas, we have the challenge of being, well, plus size, which brings a whole new set of clothing challenges.  Here’s how we keep everyone clothed, including two growing kids, without going into the poor house.

Madeline

Maddie is probably the easiest one of the bunch to clothe, believe it or not.  She’s cute, and little girl clothing is fun to buy, so she gets clothing as gifts on a regular basis.  She also gets adorable hand-me-downs from several friends.  End of season clearance sales at stores like Fred Meyer can fill in the blanks.  One of my favorite shopping opportunities for Maddie is at a local consignment store, Quadoo’s.  Not only are consignment stores a great way to stretch your dollar, they will also take clothing your kids have grown out of off your hands, providing credit.  Each season, I’m able to turn in Maddie’s outfits from the year before and score some new goodies.

Elias

Elias is really challenging to clothe.  He’s eleven, and that age just isn’t quite as much fun to buy for.  Plus, like most boys his age, he’s just really hard on clothes. He wears through the knees of jeans quickly and his shoes fall apart like they are made of tissue paper.  Plus, he’s already 5 feet tall.  He grows out of his clothes fast and he is terribly picky about what he wears, since he has sensory issues.  He’s in that awkward in-between period and consignment stores don’t carry his size.  I can get away with getting items for him at the Goodwill, and by combining store coupons with clearance sales, I can get some good deals at Fred Meyer. Last week we found ourselves having to replace his winter coat (the other one was destroyed).  We were able to catch a 50 percent off sale and scored a nice coat for $30.  Not quite as great a deal as the London Fog coat we found for Maddie for a measly $12.99, but I can’t argue.  It’s hard to find coats in good condition at thrift stores.  My sister likes to take Elias school shopping every year.  She has more fashion sense than we do, so Elias always manages to start off the school year looking sharp!

Tomorrow I’ll tell you how Gavin and I shop.  The truth is, we are far more likely to buy new clothes for the kids then for ourselves.  Show me a parent who isn’t, right?