This Father's Path...a Work In Progress

Photo courtesy of Healingdream

I was brought up with the age-old mentality that the husband/father should provide for his family.  Not that the woman should stay at home, but that the husband’s job should be able to handle the load as life sent challenges at you.  My grandfather owned a dealership and always worked very hard, and he also taught me the importance of the integrity of your work, while at the same time making sure family came first.  My father also worked very hard and also instilled that work ethic in me, but the down side is that he was always gone.  I know he worked hard, but I also know his addictions took over.  More on that later… 

All of these challenges we have been facing place a lot of pressure on me, even though I may not be as vocal about it.  Some of it is the feeling that I should be able to make enough to provide for my family but, frankly, I don’t.   

When Amee had to leave her full-time position, I was incredibly stressed out.  Yes, she was going to be writing while she was at home, but I was worried about her stress level, and I felt horrible that being home with the kids full-time and being expected to work on her writing at the same time would completely overload her.  Once again, I felt like I was failing as a husband/father/provider because I couldn’t make enough in the current economy to provide for my family.  I am working on those feelings pretty much on a daily basis.    I am working as much as I can and helping as much as I can at home when I am not at work trying to take some of the load off of Amee. 

Part of the issue I have is that I am terrified I will end up making some of the mistakes my father made.  I am, after all, My Father’s Son.  I know the logic about being the man you want to be and such, but the worry is still there.  My father let his addiction with alcohol take over, and while he was recovering, he somehow thought the best solution to his problems was to bail.  He literally left one day while my mother and I were at work.  He hadn’t told us that at the time he had left, the house was three days from foreclosure, my mother’s retirement was gone, and the bills were incredibly overdue.  

Many years later, I thought maybe things were turning around with him as we tried to rebuild that relationship, but there was a selfishness still there that manifests even to this day in the fact that he doesn’t even call his grandkids on their birthdays anymore.  I am not sure if this is apathy or what but it really doesn’t matter.   How does this relate to me?  Well, I have noticed some shit I do is kind of similar, and that worries me. 

I get very “fixated” on stuff.  Be it a video game, a topic, or whatever.  It is almost obsessive.  For instance, I think about something like our TV failing and I will start researching TVs.  Now most people will do this and call it good, but I will always be looking at which ones are best, cheapest, or whatever.  The real issue with this is that I sometimes put off paying what I need to pay to fill the want.  Not that I am going to buy a new TV when rent is due, but I might see a DVD or whatever and tell myself, “Well, it is only 20 bucks.  We can swing that…”  That is where my issue is.  I struggle with it almost daily.  As a joke, a friend of mine would list this problem in terms of his music equipment…”G.A.S.”  or Gear Acquisition Syndrome.   

Looking at my history, I was always very giving to almost a fault.  Each relationship I was in, I would be left in deeper debt when it ended.  Now, as a father, I want to provide the best stuff for my kids and I loved the look on Amee’s face when I could give her something sparkly.  I obviously am not in the position to do that anymore, but I focus on trying to make sure we have the essentials and that the kids have good holidays. 

That is why I am taking a page from my grandfather’s book.  I am trying to not worry so much about the money one way or another and I am trying to be a better father.  I want to show my family just how much I care.  Be it playing Halo with Elias and getting fragged over and over, or snuggling with Maddie and watching a movie, I want to give the kids memories.  Yeah, stuff is cool and I DO love technology, but I am trying to stay focused on my family and providing the best I can.  

When Thankfulness Doesn’t Come Easily

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving, everyone.

Image by David Castillo Dominici

Sometimes it’s hard to find something to be thankful for.  The basics are easy – I’m thankful for my family and my friends.  But then I start getting nit-picky.  I’m thankful for my family, but it would be nice if my son didn’t have so many challenges.  I’m thankful for my friends, but I’m frustrated that I don’t get to see them as often as I would like.  I’m thankful that I have a roof over my head, but I don’t like where we live…  I could go on, but I’ll spare you.

It seems like for every good thing in my life, there’s something that could be done to make it “better.”  As you might imagine, thinking like this sets us up for failure and depression. While I don’t completely subscribe to the “Law of Attraction” theory, I do think that focusing on the negative constantly sets me up to only find the negative in everything.

I’ve been participating in the “thankful” game on Facebook this month, naming something I am thankful for every day in November.  The first week was easy:  family, friends and so forth.  But then I ran out of the big ones and had to really start thinking about it.  With so much going wrong in my life, could I really find 30 things to be thankful for?  It seemed like a tall order. 

I noticed that some of my friends popped up with their posts first thing in the morning, every morning.  “Luckies,” I sulked.  “Sure they have lots to be thankful for.”  I had to work at this.  But we’re almost to Thanksgiving now, and I’ve managed to come up with something every day.  Sure, sometimes it gets posted right before I go to bed, but it’s there.  I’ve also had to resist the temptation to show gratitude tempered by snark, for example “I’m grateful to have a car, but I wish the stupid heater would work.”  Instead, despite my crabbiness, I simply say “I’m thankful for a car that runs and gets us from point a to point b.” 

I think one of the keys to getting us through this tricky time is going to be remembering what’s important and how much we already have – regardless of whether we think it could be in better condition or not.

What are you especially thankful for this year?

Keeping the Spark Even Under Stress



Photo courtesy of Walt Disney Pictures

 Financial “issues” are one of the largest factors cited in divorces.  Stress from all of the bills, appointments, work and even kids can really take it’s toll on the romantic side of the relationship.   Finding ways to express ourselves as a couple can be very difficult to arrange and afford.  So with our finances like they are, I have been trying to find ways to make sure our relationship does not end up on the back burner.  The main way I am approaching this is with “at-home date nights.”

This is time we set aside without the computers, writing, texting, or anything else.  We get the kids to bed and hopefully get some time to spend just with each other.  Here are some ideas that may help you keep the spark going when you are in stressful times…

Movie night.  Everyone knows this one… pull out a movie you both want to see, pop some popcorn and cuddle up on the couch.

Cook a special dinner.  Find a meal that is affordable but also fun to eat, maybe a fondue or a pasta dish.  Make a special dessert or treat to munch on.  It is fun to cook with your partner and it gives you a chance to be together.

Game night.  Everyone has a competitive side.  Pull out a board game or your favorite Xbox game and go at it.  Maybe play for “favors” or something to make it a bit more interesting or intimate.   If you want to take it further, look into a more intimate game from a specialty store near you.  Just make sure your partner is ok with this… or better, let them pick it out to keep them involved.   

Living room picnic.  Get some simple fruits and foods that are fun to nibble on and share them like a picnic in your living room.  Turn down the lights and just have a good time.
Act like a teenager.  Simply take some time to spend with your partner kissing and making out like you did back when you first met.  This time together will help keep a close bond between yourself and your partner.


Be spontaneous and take control!  It is very easy to let day-to-day stresses take the joy out of life and the passion out of your relationship.  Don’t be afraid to take charge and show your partner what you are interested in doing.  Spring the date on them when they don’t expect it!  If your family keeps a calendar, with all of the events going on it is easy to see when some good times to do this would be.  Don’t be shy, take charge and have fun!  Maybe send an alluring email or text message (make sure you double check the recipient’s email or phone to minimize mistakes) to get the anticipation building!

Also, there are books full of intimate ideas for couples.  Some of the most known books are by Laura Corn.  These books offer pages you can tear out with ideas or instructions to play out with your partner.  Some of these take some planning but others can be very spontaneous.  Once again, communication is key and it is fun to alternate who tears a page and plans for the time.

The best part about this is your only limit is your imagination.  Be sure to keep a solid flow of communication with your partner so they can also help with this.  No relationship should be one-sided when it comes to the closeness you feel together.